Depression

What I Put Up With

Depression comes differently every single time. Sometimes it comes running in full force and throws everything in your life upside down, papers, friends, work, throws everything around and runs around laughing at you, mocking you, pushing you full force to the ground and holding you there, opening up a big hole in your chest as you try not to cry. It comes within the space of a few seconds and you go from feeling totally normal to just wanting to die because you can’t stand to live a second longer in less than a minute.

Sometimes though, it comes in slowly. Sometimes it stops by, knocks at the door and says, “You’ve been missing me haven’t you?” and you nod, because in all seriousness you have, you’ve missed the comfort it brings, the feelings you know all to well and you don’t know what to do with all these good feelings and happiness, you’re scared by them and so, you let it back in.

Other times it comes in sneakily, sits on your couch and drinks your juice, eats your food, “I’ll only be here for a couple of days” it reassures you, and so you think ‘a few days? well that’s fine. A few days is nothing.’ A lesson to be learned now:

Depression always overstays its welcome. It says a few days and then suddenly you realise it has in fact been months, and you’re sitting there just staring at the ceiling with tears in your eyes wondering how on earth you managed to let it back into your life?

If you’re lucky - like me - Depression will bring along some friends, this is different for everyone. For me it brings Paranoia, Anxiety and Agoraphobia. Agoraphobia is the worst, it will corner you as you try to leave, giggle in your ear and and wrap an oh-so comforting arm around your shoulders “Oh, you don’t want to do that…” it whispers in your ear, “Outside? Really? Look at it out there, it’s not safe! You’re safe here, in your flat with us.”

And so you stay, you stay and you fall down, down, down into what they want, you shut everyone else out, who needs them when you have your true friends, hm? Depression is always going to be there for you.

Right?

Wrong.

But realising that and saying it out loud is almost blasphemy, you hold onto it, you try and get better, you try to take those crucial steps. And it’s so difficult, Anxiety comes in properly and tells you it’s not worth it, not worth these feelings of fear. Paranoia joins it and together they try to make you squirm, and if that doesn’t work Depression will try to pull you back as hard as possible.

Every morning you wake up, and try to gouge whether it’s a good day or a bad day, you fight to get out of bed, you make the ultimate fight to try and just leave the fucking flat. Every day it gets a littler easier, but it never goes away completely. Never.